Humor: You might be a writer if 3

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Norm Cowie has left a new comment on your post "Humor: You might be a writer if.....":

Hmmm, by these standards, I'm not a writer. How about, you might be a writer if ...

...everything you see makes you think of a great story.
... you edit everything you write, including grocery lists, honey-do lists, etc.
... you're afraid to read because you might read something where someone wrote something just like your WIP.
...the only reason you write is because you heard writers drink and you want a reason.

Norm
http://www.normcowie.com



Posted by Norm Cowie to The Outcast at December 6, 2011 4:37 PM

 

Bumper Stickers 001

  A man responds to a help wanted ad.  The next day he is told to come to the office for an interview.  He shows up and is surprised by the look of the place.  Bumper stickers cover the walls like graffiti.
  "What's with all the stickers?" he asks.
  The interviewer laughs.  "That's what we do.  We design and sell bumper stickers."
  "Seriously, bumper stickers are our business.  That's why the name is Sticky Bumpers."
  "So how--what would I do?"
  "Design bumper and sell stickers and you get royalties on your designs and commission on the sales."
  Confused, he asked, "What if I can't think of anything for a sticker?  Or what if my ideas are already taken?"
  "Take a deep breath and relax.  You have creativity inside of you.  You just need to let it come to the surface."  The interviewer paused for a moment.  "Now close your eyes and imagine that you are taking a long drive somewhere.  Where are you going?"
  "Copper Falls, one of my favorite parks."
  "How long is the drive?"
  "Six hours."
  "Wow.  It must be a special place.  Or do you just like driving?"
  "I hate driving.  I drive the six hours to enjoy the landscape and just relax."
  "Tell me about the traffic jam on the way."
  "It's horrible.  Cars honking.  Drivers swearing.  People acting like morons."
  "What else makes the drive terrible?"
  "Tailgators.  I hate them with a passion.  I wish I had a humongous truck so I could run them over and not worry about it."
  "Now what would you say to them if you had 2 seconds?"
  "I would give them a piece of my mind!"
  "Good.  Now take that marker and write down a couple of ideas.  I'll come back in ten minutes."
  The man grabbed the marker and scribbled down the first thing that came to his mind.  Then he slid the paper to the side and wrote down another and another.  After eight ideas were finished, he looked up.
  "That was only fifteen minutes.  Imagine what you could do in a couple of hours."
  "I just wrote down what I thought of on the spur of the moment.  I can't do this all day long."
  "I think you can do a lot more than you give yourself credit for.  Why don't you come back tomorrow and we will talk business.  I am giving you the job."
  "Just like that?  You didn't really ask me any questions."
  "You jumped right in and did the job.  What could be better than that?"
  "Nothing I guess."

Humor: You might be a hiker if 2

You might be a hiker if...


You seek out the roughest trail you can find.

You climb a boulder for a photo opportunity.

You take a date to a state park.

You take a date to a waterfall.

You go hiking more than once on your vacation.

Humor: You might be a writer 2

You might be a writer if...


You want everyone to read your story.

You don't want anyone to see your story.

You can predict major plot events in a movie you know nothing about during first viewing.

You create characters for stories in your head.

Humor: You might be a writer if.....

You might be a writer if.....


You have writer's block.

You buy paper and pens by the box.

You are always working on a novel, but don't actually write it.

You have ideas for stories, but can't seem to write them down.

You wrote 10 pages a year ago, and can't concentrate to write more.

You wrote a story once and you claim you'll be famous one day.

You write in a journal everyday.

You don't write a thing.

You always talk about writing.

You write often, but crumple up the paper 'cuz it sucks.

You have thought about using a pen name.

You constantly revise a story before finishing a rough draft.

Humor: You might be a hiker if.....

You might be a hiker if.....

You drive 6 hours to see a waterfall.

You bring a backpack and trail mix for a walk in the woods.

You take more than 1 bottled water into the woods.

You can identify the type of hawk you saw last summer.

You bring a picnic lunch so you can sit and eat at the edge of a cliff.

You take 50 pictures of a waterfall.

The park ranger knows you by name.

Your backpack wears out from overuse.

You drive an hour farther to take a rougher trail.

You consider snowshoeing the winter version of hiking.

You visit more than 1 state park over the summer.

You keep the trail maps from all the state parks.

You change into boots before getting on the trail.

You drive more than an hour to view wildlife.

You go birdwatching on a cold winter day.

story samples and poetry samples

I just put up some samples on my webpage  http://www.hikerauthor.com/  There are hiking links and waterfall pics there as well.
Sorry I haven't added another episode yet; the holiday interrupted my schedule.  I just started a short story as well.  Hopefully I can stay focused and finish it soon.

Glen

The Outcast 003 The Bar

Joshua drove to the bar lost in thought.  What if they make fun of me, because I don't drink?  Will they harrass me for being there when I'm a christian?  Will they include me in the fun, or am I their entertainment?
The sound of a honking horn brought him back.  He saw the green light and proceeded through the intersection.  "Pay attention!" he yelled at himself.  What am I doing?  I don't belong here.
He found the bar and pulled into the parking lot.  He left the engine running.  I can just leave and go home.  I don't have to do this.  Okay, maybe I should do this.  After all, God said to make friends at the bar.  I don't understand why, but I should do it anyway.  He turned off the ignition and walked up to the door.
Music blared through the open door and ten conversations competed with each other for attention.  A couple televisions were on to the game and a group of friends were playing a heated game of cricket at the dartboard.  Joshua swallowed his fear and stepped forward.
The bouncer returned to his post and saw him.  He pantomimed grabbing an ID, but Joshua didn't take the hint.  "I need to see your ID."
"Sure, let me pull it out."  Joshua fumbled with his wallet and managed to extract his ID before he died of embarrassment.  He slid it back in place when the bouncer returned it.

The Outcast 002 A Question

At lunch time on Friday Joshua didn't go to the lunch room.  He didn't eat a lunch of ravioli or salami.  He didn't drink a coke and have a candy bar for dessert.  He didn't sit with his friends and play cards.  Joshua wasn't Joshua at lunch time.  Joshua drove to his cousin's house at lunch time.

Bill came to the door after the knock.  "Yeah, what is it?"  He opened the door and was surprised to see his cousin standing there.  He didn't visit all that often, so it was strange to see him there at lunch time.  "Joshua, what's wrong?  What are you doing here?  Did somebody die or something?"

"N-nobody died, Bill.  I came to talk to you.  I thought you could help me."

Bill snorted.  "So that's it.  You need my help.  I should have known.  What kind of help?  Do you need money?"

"No, I don't need money.  It's nothing like that.  I need help.  I...I...I wanna know..."

"Wait.  Backup a second.  You need help, but you wanna know what?  What is so important?  You never see me except at holidays, and you expect me to help you.  Get out!  Don't come around here again.  I don't care what you want.  The answer is no."

"But, Bill, I just wanna know something."

"I don't care what you wanna know.  I don't know.  And even if I did I wouldn't tell you."

"But, Bill, if you would just listen for a minute."

"Joshua, I wouldn't give you a minute if you were on your death bed.  Get out!  And don't come back."  The door slammed shut and music began to blare behind it.

Now what?  I tried to get some help and that didn't work.  I don't know who to ask or if I should ask anyone.  I just don't know.  Why does it have to be me anyway?

Joshua went back to work.  He still had 30 minutes left of his 1 hour lunch break, but he didn't feel like eating.  He didn't even wanna sit and talk with his friends.  He wandered to his work station and sat on the table.

A couple minutes later the janitor walked by.  "Hey, Joshua.  What's up?"  He took his hand in a firm grip and closed it into a fist.  Then he pulled it back and pounded him once.

"Nothing.  How's Carl?"

"Carl's good.  Can't complain.  Just had my review and I'm getting a raise."  A smile replaced his face.

"That's good."

"Yeah I'm celebrating tonight.  Gonna get drunk and stupid."  He laughed.  "The old lady can drive me home for once.  What do you got going on tonight?  Hot date?"

"Nope.  Nothing like that.  Actually I don't got squat going on."

"Why don't you come out with us?  You can hang out and just have fun."

"But, Carl, you know I don't drink."

"So what.  My old lady won't be drinking either.  She'll be sober and available for intelligent conversation all night long.  I'll prolly be make a silly fool of my self and enjoying it."

"Do they let you into the bar if you aren't drinking?"  Doubt showed on his face.

"Of course they do, bro.  How would anyone get home if they were all drunk?  DDs can't drink and drive.  They just go to hang out and then they have to drive you home.  If you ask me they miss out on all the fun."

"But what about me?  I'm a christian and I don't drink at all."

"Who cares?  Order a pop.  Just come out with us and laugh when I do something stupid."

"That's not what I call entertainment.  It's not funny to me."

"It's ok.  You don't have to laugh.  You can talk to my old lady."

"It's just that; I've never been to a bar.  It's not my kind of place.  I would make the party stop."

"Don't talk like that, bro.  You're a fun guy in your own way.  Anyone who thinks different is a moron."

The Outcast 001 Send Me

The sun filtered through the stained glass, casting beams of color onto the church pews.  Joshua struggled to pay attention to the sermon.  He couldn't really remember what the pastor said.  Something about Isaiah saying Here am I.  Send me.  The words echoed in his head continuously.  His heart began to open to the beginning of a new thought.  A thought that would change his life forever.

Suddenly he was jolted back to the sermon.  "And in closing, ask God:  Where can You send me?  Who can You minister to through me?  Whose life can You change, if I show them Your love?  Let's pray."

Joshua didn't even hear the pastor's prayer.  He prayed a silent prayer of his own.  As he prayed he felt a warmth around his body.  He knew God heard his prayer.

The worship team led the congregation in one last chorus, then ended the church service.  Joshua walked in a daze to the foyer.

Reality smacked him in the face.  He heard snippets of conversation as he walked toward the oversized double doors at the front of the church.  "How can he say he's a christian?  He drinks a beer when he watches the football game."  "Why did she have to come to this church?  Do you know what she did for a living before this year?"  "That kid is a drug addict.  He's not worth my time.  Why should I bother trying to witness to him?   He'll just swear at me and do more drugs."  "Who invited that couple?  They came in t-shirts and jeans.  I mean, don't they care about God?  Who doesn't look their best at church?"

Joshua was relieved when he got to his car.  He couldn't take all of the negativity.  His heart was ready to explode.  Why do they hate the world?  Don't they remember that they were sinners too?  Will anyone notice if somebody reaches out to the lost?  Or will they banish him too?

Joshua became even more introverted at work.  He was lost in thought and didn't have time to talk to his friends.  He didn't read the new novel he purchased.  He didn't watch tv or play any computer games.  He functioned on autopilot.  He was a thinking machine.

Thursday night he woke up and wept.  Why?  Why can't somebody else go?  I'm nothing to them.  I can't relate to them at all.  I just make them mad.  Why do You want me to go there?  Please, Lord.  I'm not the right man.  You have other people You can send there.  You can't choose me.  I will just make them run away.  He cried himself to sleep.

On Friday Joshua finally started talking to his coworkers again.  They were relieved.  He told corny jokes and listened to their stories.  He appeared to be himself again.  They couldn't have been more wrong.

Introduction

This is an experiment.  On my main blog http://www.hikerauthor78.blogspot.com/  I posed the idea of blogisodes.  This is an attempt at beginning that idea.  This blog is intended to be a series of blogisodes telling a story.  Hopefully I can entertain you.
Be sure to visit my homepage  http://www.hikerauthor78.com/  or find me on  www.facebook.com/glen.brereton1  and be sure to look me up at  www.smashwords.com/profile/view/GlenBrereton
Check out my ebook  www.smashwords.com/books/view/104631